I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The uberlube is also flammable
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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