what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
