i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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