you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize