She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
