I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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