Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Bring me that man meat
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
