Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you told grandpa to call you daddy
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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