i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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