My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
