you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
