So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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