jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
