Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
