She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
