he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
