My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
