I accidentally had phone sex last night
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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