Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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