I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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