My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My vagina just clenched in fear
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
