Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
