I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
