I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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