You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The air taste purple.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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