I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
