dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
