I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
