So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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