i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
