I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
