Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
