Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
