Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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