can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
