I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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