I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize