Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
