At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
