the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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