when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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