Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
