and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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