I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
