she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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