either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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