Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
