I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
