I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
