Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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