I accidentally had phone sex last night
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
false alarm. still invincible.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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