Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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