i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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