had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
